Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
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*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
reminder
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”