Copy Editor is a rewording career.
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My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’