Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
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1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano