[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
…u ok Nintendo?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Just a phase…
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough