corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
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Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
#dnd #ttrpg
Sign at work today
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
dutch is not a serious language
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.