Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
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Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Who called it baking and not making love
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect