Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
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In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
My safe word is now just a dry cough.