[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
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After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
i think both sides are to blame here
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today