All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
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ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.