Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
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Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
A wise man once said nothing.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.