Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
You Might Also Like
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return