“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
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Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
dogs can find happiness so easily
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house