hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
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Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.