Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
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Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.