I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.