I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
You Might Also Like
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
house sitting!
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”