@w00f_w00f: Couldn't remember the girl's name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.
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@Dutch_50: I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can't help but slice everything as if I'm in an infomercial.
@cakemittens: Adulthood - Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
@gtfml: When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
@BadJordon: [ER] HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler. DOC:… H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand. D: Rub kale on it.