@w00f_w00f: Couldn't remember the girl's name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.
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@Reverend_Scott: [1st day as police officer] PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET'S ROLL! ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
@NoogsCorner: I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming "WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?" And that's my long-term solution to religion.
@HeyZeus666: My grandfather said he'd never be caught dead wearing cargo pants, so I slipped the funeral director an extra 50 bucks. And now we wait.