[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
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When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.