wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
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Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?