The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
You Might Also Like
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I feel attacked.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…