@ScottLinnen: Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn't break.
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@GreenishDuck: You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells "IT'S JUST A POTATO!" #ambien
@NikiWithIssues: I have to stop saying "Because I'm Batman" all the time. It's not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I'm Batman.
@mauleePillar: Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.
@iQuoteComedy: If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it's a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.