Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
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Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.