ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
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It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
The most important meal of the day is the next one