@MattOswaltVA: couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
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@PRESTONinCOLOR: Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it's not just women who won't marry you.
@Elizasoul80: [alien taking notes] Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
@WilliamAder: Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
@click4amanda: Officer: "Do you know why I'm standing here?" Me: "You got all C's in High School?"