@MattOswaltVA: couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
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@mamatomy3: My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
@realHamOnWry: My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don't eat ice cream for supper tonight.
@B1gBrainsMcGee: I'm like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
@shanethevein: Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don't even have to ask.