couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
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me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Just a bush.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
You sure about that?
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.