Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
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She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.