(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
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People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.