@Jake_Vig: Couples are the worst, followed closely by single people.
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@NicCageMatch: I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
@ericsshadow: [my wife and I watch a drunk white girl fall out of a cab] I've never drank that much.... [wife looks at me in disgust] ugh, ok I have.
@SirEviscerate: *tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden's office in an entirely different prison* aw come ON