Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
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cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.