[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
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This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
😂😂😂
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Ugh
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god