{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
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Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
this chia pet tastes awful
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
you gotta be faster
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park