[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
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For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache