[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
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When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
My wife gives the best headache.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Match dot com, but for socks.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Never be a pizza!
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!