[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
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New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me