Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
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I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
The two types of wives
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie