As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!