(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
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My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.