[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
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If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby