[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
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Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.