[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
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Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Heroic Misunderstanding
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
some Old Testament wisdom
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.