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My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza