[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
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What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Legend 🤣🤣
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away