@Rollinintheseat: The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it's okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

@generaldietz: Baby Soldier: Ma'am. Your husband is MIA. Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands* Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

@omgthatspunny: Which US state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda

@AnitaHelmet: Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I'm guessing it's because the other fifty percent can't afford lawyers.

@GirrlGenius: A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.