[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
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Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
When you try jalapeños for the first time
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal