[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
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Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
The Sun’s probably Asian.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings