For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
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Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.