*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
You Might Also Like
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Match dot com, but for socks.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”