Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
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him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”