Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
You Might Also Like
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Life is a suicide mission.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.