the chicken was already gone when I got here
You Might Also Like
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.