🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
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I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Same post same
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault