Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
You Might Also Like
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Dietest Coke
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Natty or not?
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”