Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
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Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden