Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
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So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.